mumbled_mouths

and just when i thought i was over you, i hear your voice and everything floods back. saying it out loud, and writing it down makes it real. god damnit, why?

My mom really wants me to move back in with her, but I can't. Everything in this house reminds me of you, even the smell. I'm just finally, and when I say finally I mean finally, getting over you. You don't run through my mind every minute of the day and I haven't cried over you since the last argument we got into. I'm finally becoming okay with my life without you, and that's a good thing, back tracking isn't something I'd enjoy doing. I guess I'll just be looking for some shitty tiny apartment. fuck it, i can make it cute. Everything is falling into place and I love it. I'm going to ybor tomorrow and if it's nearly as fun as it was last week I'll be good. I hadn't been since fucking July.

lately it's been...

lots of dresses and...

my love, shock top.

Oh Jeeez, you are so perfect. I don't think I've never thought of a human being the way I think of you. Sure it's only been what? a month? i'm not in love with you but god damn. i am thankful.

"I woke up, it had to be stopped. I could not take so much as one drug. I was through forever. Before then, I had written losts of sweet promises, but my boyfriend happily observed that this time I meant business, and so I did. Shortly afterward, I got fucked up. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? Ii simply didn't know. It hadn't even come to mind. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appling lack of perspective seemed near being just that. Renewing my resolve, I tried again. Some time passed and confidence began to be replaced by cocksureness. Now I had what it takes!

In no time I was beating myself up asking myself how this happened. As the substances rose to my head, I told myself I'd do better next time, but I might as well get good and fucked up then. And so I did.

The remorse, horror, and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable. The courage to do battle was not there. My brain raced uncontrollably and there was a terrible sense of impending calamity."


Sometimes I love being able to relate to things like this, and sometimes it makes me feel sick. Eric and I talked and talked and talk about this part of the book last night and it was so amazing for someone to nod his head along with everything I said. And laugh, but not at me about the things I did, but with me, for understanding. Not because it's funny but because we share a common bond. God I've come so far since the end of August. I can't believe it. I was so upset this morning about not having a job and then my phone rings. It was someone calling to interview me for an application I filled out the day after I got out of detox. Almost 3 fucking months ago. I am so happy today and for the last few days.

I feel so blessed to have met you. I'm sorry I didnt see it all along, but you've been here for years. I like the way you say my name, but I really like the way you kiss me.


I sat on the beach today for 4 hours with someone who I never thought had ever even given me a second thought. And guess what? you didn't cross my mind once. I didn't even compare. Finally someone who doesn't want to be with me because I'm just good company, or because I'm comfortable. Nice and slow but I'll be smiling the entire way.

Bands come out with new music that we were so excited to hear. Now I sit in my living room, listening to it, thinking of how much better it'd be to hear with you. The road trips to orlando will either be spent alone, or never happen again. Well, that's my fault. Happy music makes me cry, sad music makes me cry, remembering makes me cry, not remembering makes me cry, everything makes me fucking cry. i have these weeks of clarity where breaking up was the best thing to ever happen to me. i'm independent now, i have friends, friends who love me. i'm not being accused everyday of being fucked up, and i know that i'm not. but then there are these weeks of complete and total sadness. in this fucking pit of despair where i don't understand anything and i don't understand you, or us, or anything. and it makes me wonder if i'll ever love someone again. if someone will ever understand me, or think i'm funny like you did. or care about me. god how did i become such a pathetic human being? how did i become that girl that cries about her exboyfriend like it's really going to do something? seriously, this is my life? i want those weeks of clairty back, even when i know i'm just telling myself these things so i hold on.

sometimes i feel like i'm just going through the motions. wake up, drink coffee, drive to a job i hate, smile, home, meeting, sometimes 2 or 3 meetings, smile, home, choke down food, smile, sleep, repeat.

but sometimes things are good and i'm happy. but that piece is always missing.

God I am such a fool to have thought you would stick to what you said. My sponser said today, "so you're basically mad at him for being him?"... I guess I never really thought of it like that. I have no reason to lie about something so stupid, so trivial in my life. When you finally realize I don't care what girl you jump to, or what you do, maybe then we can have a friendship. My universe no longer revolves around you, so when you open your eyes and see that you'll be much better off. How can it hurt you that I said that? Isn't that what you want? Just remember that yesterday, when you were sad, you contacted me and told me you wanted to hangout. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you, I really am. I can't change that. And if I know that I am no longer that person, or even a small amount of that person, that's all that matters. I know that I wasn't lying, and so does the higher power that I choose. That is all that matters. I know that the longer I hang on, the longer I will be affected. The longer I let you control my feelings and moods, the longer I will feel sad and let down. so today I am letting all of that go, and I am taking back my heart, my feelings, and myself as a person. I hope one day down the line you can be my friend, because I miss that.

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first, I loved you first.





Please make this go away, or something make you come back. I pray every night.

I have been surviving lately on, "fake it until you make it". I mean, don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and so thankful for my life and my sobriety today. Lately more than ever though I just remember all the things I have fucked up, and everything I could have done to change it. I was talking to Alicia the other night, telling her "my story" pretty much and I looked at her and said, "after all of that you still want to hug me and love me? i am fucked up, don't you see that?"... and she said to me, "you weren't fucked up.. you were sick". This is the 3rd time counting this time last year I have tried this and none of those times did this statement truly sink in. I think all the other times I really really wanted it I just wasn't ready, I don't know why, I wanted to be ready to fucking badly but I guess I just wasn't. I guess my bottom wasn't enough. Today I work this program the way it has been worked before me and I now know why it works for other people. I am coming up on my fourth step and it scares the shit out of me. Really fucking terrifies me in the worst way. "A searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" now really, who wants to do that? When I do that it means there is no more justifying, no more rationalizing, nothing. Not that I want that but it's just the fact of knowing that it will be allll out there on paper for me to see. Justin has been teaching me a very valuable lesson lately that basically translates into, "fuck everyone else". I've been focusing on it more and more and it works, I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore.


John and I kind of turned into something more than friends, I really wasn't planning on it, or trying for it. I guess we just realized that there was something there no matter how much I wanted to say there wasn't. I tried telling him that it isn't all that fair to him right now but he wouldn't listen. I enjoy his company so much, he makes me laugh and I feel like he likes me for all the right reasons.I just know I don't feel the same way about him as he feels for me and I know what that's like. It fucking hurts and I never wanted to do that to someone but he says he's happy with what he can get. I feel so special but so bad at the same time. I feel like it's so unfair to him because I'm not completely over the last one. It gets better day by day but somedays I'm so not okay with it. I never thought he'd be that exboyfriend to me. I never thought he'd jump into something and I never thought he'd do the same things with someone else. That and the things I've heard from someone about what he doesn't know about makes me sick. I know I can't tell him because he wouldn't believe me but I want to protect him so badly. I just have to remember it's not my place. I can't even count how many text messages and emails I've typed out just to not press send on. I will go by what I always said, "if you're happy that's all I want". I really hope he is.

I am currently in my bathtub full of hot water with candles lit around it and the light off and kind of like spitting playing on my ihome. This is something I honestly never do. The last 2 days have been full of step work and working my program to the fullest extent possible. I have been doing nothing but working my program and working on relationships that need mending. There's just one that ended on terms I wish I could change. I think the reason why its been on my mind so much is because he comes up so often in my step work. I would give anything, anything, anything, to just sit down with him and explain everything. The things I never told him about me, the things that I know in my heart would change the way he views my last relapse. Everything. I know he will never give me that chance to tell him. They say that every addict hits a different bottom and this bottom was the furthest down that I've ever gone. I have never been that alone before and I know that because I told my mom everything. I may not have stolen this time but it didn't matter. I know from this last time that things never get better. I've read chapter 7 in my book about 15 times in 30 days, "relapse and recovery", and it has honestly opened my eyes to the truth of it all. I truly do think this happened for a reason. This time has brought such amazing things to me. This apartment, kristine, john loder, and john. I met him in detox and we came to the same half way house. Its not a romantic or physical relationship. Its this amazing friendship of someone who gets it, gets me. Someone to lean on and someone who would be there no matter what. He listens and never judges me. Things I have never told anyone because I was so terrified of what people would think. And he truly has said some of the smartest things that make things seem okay in the darkest times. Last night we went outback to the beach and he listened to me curse God, my dad, todd, everyone. At the end he gave me such simple words and looked me dead in the eye and told me that I'm a beautiful genuine person who deserves more than what has happened. I'm okay with people knowing my story and my faults today and I love that. I'm an open book at times because I have to be to stay on this path. I believe for once in all of this that if I keep my side of the street clean things will turn out. God hasn't given me anything that I can't handle. I don't really think I ever believed that until now. I mean don't get me wrong, a lot of things I wish were different but I can't change that. I hope that one day those things will come but if they don't then it was just meant to be that way. You'd never know what was wrong without the pain of everything and I think that in its own way that's beautiful. I have lost so much but I have gained so much in different ways. My past has made me who I am and I am grateful. So grateful.

Sold todds drums. Put it all back into the bank. I was so proud of myself for putting all that money away. I've been hitting so many meetings its insane. I'm driving to tampa later to pick john up from his madres and we're going out to dinner I think? It should be fun. Have 30 days tomorrow it feels good. I'm the happiest girl.

So I jumped into that one too quick. It was nice to have someone there but if I'm not completely over the last one how can I be with someone new? It wasn't fair to either of us and to be honest it was just a rebound. He loved everything that I do, the same music, movies, books, everything. I just couldn't lie to myself anymore. We really are remaining friends which is awesome. I've made such amazing friends these last few weeks. People who love me for me and not what I can do for them. I'm so happy. Its so amazing to be working on me. Some days it gets hard, I think about you non stop sometimes. Wonder how you're doing, where you are. I hope you think of me too, and I hope you smile.

For the first time in months I feel alive. You never question me, you just take me with all my faults and my mistakes. I look down with your hand on my leg while I'm driving and catch you sneaking glances. I tell you things I have never told another human being and you don't judge me. Only take me for what I am. I'm glad you give me the room to work on me and let me come around when I feel comfortable to. I just don't want to be hurt again. You give me promises and I wake up and go to bed with you on my mind and a smile. Thank you for helping me mend this broken heart.

A lot has changed since my last entry. I live in an 2 bedroom apartment on Redington beach with 3 of the most amazing girls. Ones 19, 23, and 28. I am surrounded by recovery and I love it. Last night we all sat around the pool with the guys and realized that things couldn't get much better. I am so blessed to have a job, an apartment, a family, and real friends. I love my apartment and john loder is an absolute amazing man. He helps us all so much. These are brand new apartments. Seriously, they just got done painting ours the day we moved in. How amazing is that? I love my life today and none of this would have been possible without going to par for a week. Nothing.

I honestly have the most amazing person infront of me who can for once provide for me emotionally. And what do I want to do? Run far away. Seriously I spend 2 years with someone who can hardly provide for himself emotionally let alone me and now someone who could honestly care about me does and I'm like, "SEE YA!". What the fuck?

I do not relish but I am used to the perpetual angst and humming anxiety and intermittent depression that comes with my addiction. I don't remember me before this. I am accutomed to the way that joy can be fleeting and I can sometimes fall into a dark pit. However, living with this over time, I am now being allowed -- allowing myself? -- to crawl up and out of the pit and lift the veil that covers it and to witness, with visual and aural and tactile acuity, a slightly altered world, slightly brighter, richer, and vivider. I well up with tears for it. For all of it. On the one hand: the uncertain future.



Alone again. For good this time I think. Although, I kept my promise. I guess I'm right, I am not good enough. For anyone. Even being honest, and clean. I am not good enough. Ill miss you, your laugh, your hug, your embrace. The way you make things seem beautiful, even the littlest things. I told you I'd never hurt you like that again. And I didn't. Its not fair, but then again, what is?

right now i can see it so vivid, like it was yesterday, like i could relive it.
what does it mean when you never dream at all? and you don't really know and you don't really don't know because you can't recall them. it's sort of fly you can say hi to the people you never got the chance to say bye to. maybe you can pull them out of your dreams if you try hard. so close, but so far, so far, no cigar.






it's that time of year again to say good bye again.

Dear Sparks,
I just wanted to thank you for the bigger cans. I know you did it just to compete with Joose and not just for me, but still, I am thankful.
Love your devoted drinker,
Emmalee Isom

while the skin on my hands is looking older everyday.
the lies i've told turn to leather on my face.
the love i've lost has turned to needles in my heart,
but i'm to blame for all the bad parts.
they're choices i've made everyday.
that's when i turn my face away.


you whispered "don't hurt me again", i tried to give you promises between rushed deep breaths. i hope you heard them but for some reason i think you ignored them. i hate the talk about regret. it felt the same. you were making love to me the same way you always did. so what's the problem? oh yeah, i remember now. you stopped. you asked if i was sure. of course i'm sure. of course, course. you told me tonight that my actions never dont say tell you that i love you. truth is, i've never seen the things that i see in anyone but you. i'm sure that scares you though. you let me back in so quickly because i belong there. you can't live your life on "what if's". I hope you'll stop soon.

I spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, the last month thinking of how to make this right. Truth is, it will never be right again. You don't want to believe a God damn word anyone says. I'm the one with a Dad complex? I'm the one who plays the victim? You wrote the book on both. You think the entire world it out to get you. You tell me I fucked up the best thing I will ever have, but I beg to differ. I gave you every single thing I could possibly give. You sucked everything out, and I gave it willingly. And now, well now, I don't have anything left. You are the one who fucked this up. It's okay for you to lie, but never for anyone else. I sure do talk a lot for someone who is dead. I keep thinking you'll come around but truth is, you like the fucked up feeling too much to come home to the one person who you know can make everything okay. Have fun being the victim because I'm checking out.



In other less depressing news last night was, interesting. got wasted and debated about "certified goons". i think i'm going to be okay. oh and i got my ass kickedin beer pong, then had sean on my team and it was amazing, i'm a pro thanks to him. that is all.

i am pretty much always starved for your attention. sometimes i literally feel hungry to just be next to you. i long for late night tv and waking up next to you. i wake up and you're the first thought that comes into my head so it's too hard to fall back asleep. what are we doing? and how long are we going to pretend like we don't belong together? i miss kissing your sides and fitting perfectly together. i am being so patient and waiting. i wait because i know you're worth the wait. i wait because i know you see it too.